Jealousy is burning in my soul. It is sizzling under the surface of my skin and making me scream out loud. Perhaps it isn’t jealousy, because I do not begrudge the fact that anyone has what I don’t have. I don’t want to take anything from anyone. I’m just so damned angry that I don’t have what I believe is rightfully mine to have. I don’t care if you don’t understand me; if you think I have a lot of nerve. I don’t care if you think it’s futile for me to feel this way; as if it were a waste of time. It is not a waste of time because it is fueling the fuckin’ fire in me, at least.
I’m in the box full of colors and smells and things
and things and all the pretty things
taunting me and making me clench my fist and release and choke back a sob as I long for what I can’t have right now. I have to walk past it and not touch it. I don’t take a second look at it or examine it’s beauty, because why should I?
My friend is put out with me because I won’t come to her little affair, where she tells me the prices are “simply fantastic”
“there are a lot of nice things that are inexpensive”
and she goes on and on about it because she doesn’t realize that when I tell her that
I don’t have any money to spend on it that I really, actually mean
I don’t have any money.
And no, I’m not just going to come anyway and have fellowship and enjoy the refreshments while, once again, everyone around me is buying and purchasing and looking and touching and…
I do not “window shop” because it’s fuckin’ frustrating.
And why can’t I have that? Where is my money? I belong to the supreme source just like he does and why is it that some people don’t have to wonder what it’s like, but I do? What is it like to just go and get some of this or that? Just go get what you need and what you want whenever you want to?
Go shopping? What is that like?
I’m not even considering whether it’s fair. Fairness has nothing to do with it.
It’s mine and I want it. I should have it.
Why can’t I go out to the store and buy what I want?
No, I’m pinching pennies and trying to see how much grocery I can squeeze out of a ten fuckin’ dollar bill. I’m sick of it. Sick of it.
And God knows so there’s no reason to pretend.
All this shit about Black Friday and Cyber Monday and blah, blah, blah.
I can’t remember when I ever had to concern myself with shopping those days to “save money.” Seriously?
I’m always talking about not going out on those days because I wouldn’t be bothered with those crowds. Truth is I haven’t had the money to go out and take advantage of any damned colored day of the week in years. Years.
I gathered with my family at Thanksgiving and then I drove home. I drove 150 miles eyeing my gas gauge all the way. And my kinfolk had coffee together after dinner and then all went out shopping. And the next day they all went to lunch together and continued to enjoy each others company and they called me on the phone
and we laughed
and they said how sorry they were that I wasn’t with them
and I said how sorry I was too,
but the pocketbook was tight and…
and they said how I should have said that I was watching my pennies and they would have…
Where are they getting all this money from?
It’s Christmas time and when I go into a store I see so many things that I would like to get for my loved ones. Lovely things that I would like to get for my home, but I can’t. The store is beautiful. Even the grocery store is decorated. The music is playing and sparkles are sparkling everywhere and that feeling of getting things for people is literally being piped into the air over the loud speakers and there’s an invisible mist creeping throughout the building prompting and pushing the feeling of giving
and love and giving.
But the store is not giving it away.
You must pay for this, of course.
I can’t even go into debt getting those things, because I don’t HAVE a credit card. I don’t have credit of any kind. I suppose I should be thanking God for that blessing. I can’t go into further debt at least. I don’t want credit cards and debt, but I sure would like to buy things that I want. I’d like to go out and buy a Christmas tree and decorations and then take those decorations and decorate!
I’d like to go out and buy food so that my whole family can gather at my house for the holiday. And liquor and wine so that we can eat, and drink and be merry.
I had to remove myself from social media because the envy has begun to overwhelm me as I hear of other people’s plans and celebrations and trips and…..dammit. What is happening?
Gratitude? Why Yes.
Yes I’m grateful. Yes, there are blessing to count.
I’m not on the street. My rent is paid, I own my car. I have food to eat. Some food.
My health is fantastic. My children are well, and safe.
There’s a roof over my head. My lights are on, it’s warm in here.
There’s music playing on my stereo right now. I have a stereo.
Do I dare say it?
I don’t care. I don’t mean I don’t care.
Shame on me Lord.
I know I have so much to be grateful for, but I am still angry at what I don’t have.
I am still angry at what I don’t have.
Forgive me Lord. But You already know the truth about me. A change IS gonna come. It is coming and when it does, I will bless my family and make sure that none of them feel like they have to do without…not just the necessities, but abundance. We all work hard. We all work very hard. They should be blessed with abundance and I am going to be the channel that the Lord uses to bring it to them. At least one of the channels.
Don’t bother to chastise me or scold me; gently or otherwise.
Don’t bother. I’ve already been there.
I’m already there.
It doesn’t matter. You cannot say anything to me to remedy this thing I’m going through.
I don’t want to hear it anyway.
If I’m not afraid of what God has to say about it,
what do you think I care about your opinion on it?
I am willing to admit my flaw. My Father and I are dealing with this.
I’m a writer and I needed to write it, that’s all.